Waiting For Azure - sky..

it’s been really long since my last entry..haha..seriously long…juggling between enjoying my holidays and working time..life is quite a hectic recently..

but tonight…out of sudden feels like blogging….cause…today..is the first time i felt really blessed….all da while..i felt that..but today…i felt it the most after a series of incidents..accumulate..i will like to share it..haha..pretty boring right?

well..first of all..this week is the start of my “hell week” my boss came back with the baby..yup..a baby in the pharmacy..so ..i have been “prepared”  by 2 of my locum pharmacists….on how to help my boss to manage the pharmacy when she’s here..so when i enter the pharmacy on tues..i was actually shaking..and my heart beats really quick..haha..yeah yeah..being paranoid…but i am quite satisfying with my overall performance this week..at least i didn’t get into trouble..and my boss actually praised me today.. (but secretly..i hope she will give me some time off or raise my salary) hehe..so..i felt blessed..caused she taught me a lot..what to practice what not to do..as a pharmacist…she actually trusted me ehough to handle most of the stuff…the feeling is really satisfying..

and secondly….since i am drop dead tired everyday..and comes home quite late…susan will make a point to go and fetch me at the station..even though she is working..and once again i felt blessed ..and today..she even cooked me dinner…

and of course not forgetting my other housemate..sharlyn who cooks a perfect dinner for me few nights ago..and we ended up sitting on our new couch..having ice cream..which is like the perfect..blissful night..haha..

and lots of other small stuff like..getting a callfrom frenz..edwin calling to offer to fetch me….mum and dad..worrying bt me travelling late at night..so..i felt truly good..lately…

so..what’s more to ask for? well…..i could think of one now..that is for the time for me to go home..will arrive soon..and i am counting down now…..a week more to go…

You know what is the biggest fear and the most frightening things? is when you felt that you are no longer the person that you think you are..u start to think about things that you know you are suppose to think and do things that you will never do..slowly..bits by bits..you are turning into a person that even you yourself fear about..this is what i am feeling rite now..

day by day..i can feel thhat i am not who am i anymore…from outside..i am trying to be ..or should i say disguised..or impose as wai yee..but actually i am not…i am not even sure myself..when is the time of me..when i am actually “real”..when i am talking with my parents? (nope…sounding happy..but actually lots of things in the mind) in front those closest to me? (no…i don’t even know..how i carry myself in front of them) in front of my classmates? (not even close too) in work place ( not the answer as well)

i felt that i am like those clamouflaging lizards..changes and blending myself with the people and environment around me..having multiple personalities…

maybe is really the time to change a new environment and get involve with different lifestlye and different people..to know myself again…

It’s been 1 week…my holidays have since started…and just this 1 week…all the things that happen around me..when pile up….is equal to things that could happen to me in 1 year..too many stuff..too little time to digest and absorb…

I have officially live in alday for almost a week…from living together with kim yen, sharlyn, susan and edward…till now…the house just left me and susan …god knows where edward is

so..what really happen the whole week? basically…..each and everyday I have been telling myself that I need some tremendous improvement in my work..thus need to work hard….and…in between..trying to find all the time that both me and kim yen had…to go to all the places that he wishes to go before he finally move to brisbane for good….speaking of that…to be separated with a friend that I have known since A levels till now…is kinda of weird…something that cannot be described..but yet it is not as sad as i have imagined it would be…Of course i do miss the time when he tease me and make me angry each and every minute but no doubt i am kinda glad that finally he is able to do what he likes to do in  his life…and i wish i could in the future….

and within 1 week, I have did something so daring that I can’t imagine I would do that…To do something daring at the age of 23…yeah..is kinda late…people said..u always do daring stuff when you are young and reckless..but to be at 23…when all you think of..at least all I think of..is to play it safe..to do something daring..is kinda…too extreme..for me but i am really glad i did that..at least i know..i have no regrets in the future..

and the 3rd thing I have been busy and worry about is to find a house.. I REALLY NEED TO GET A HOUSE…i have finally realise to get a house to live in perth..is totally difficult..sigh….hopefully by end of december…i will be able to get a house that everyone will be satisfied at…

and recently…the debate about independent and dependent have been lingering in the air around me for quite some time…i do realise that all the while my friends’ impression on me..especially those close to me.. is that I am a quite dependent person..as in…i need all the support i can get..regardless mentally support or any kind of help at all….this make susan so mad at times coz..she is always the independent one..and she complained to me that seems like so many people care about me and everyone thinks that she is independent and show less care towards her…this makes me wonder..is this good? to be dependent? there’s once…a close friend once told me…i always make myself so fragile…yeah..i do agree..but..at times..i do want to be strong..and at times….i feel mad as well..as in everyone thinks for me too much…and they always manage to find a way to protect my feelings and cover my needs in their own way without asking me first what is the actual thing that i really need…yeah..i am a really straight forward person…predictable as always…but sometimes being to predictable is not something that i wish for and i wish someone will understand that even though they can predict what i want and need….but sometimes….the truth is..i don’t really actually feel that way…yeah..sounded kinda complex but is simple..i just want people to know that is nice to be taken care of and protected…but at times..maybe I just want things to be a little bit indifferent…..so…if u ask me to be independent or dependent..well..to me..is just a yes and no answer..maybe people assume i am dependent by telling off all the unhappiness..problems…etc..to someone..instead of just keeping it to myself and deal with it..but to me….is just my way of releasing all the troubles in my head…to make sure i lead a happier life…to me..this doesn’t show that i am fragile and my feelings need to be protected at all times..

maybe many people will think that i am being crazy and ungrateful towards all the care that have shown to me..but no..i am not..i really do feel grateful..and sometimes it does feel nice..but maybe i just want to head a different direction for once…

“just blink” everything will be over…this is what i have told sze khei on the first day of our final paper….outside the exam hall..true to my words..time passes really ..i mean it..really really quick…BLINK! i am here…today..or should i say..yesterday…at 11.30 am sharp….i ahve finished my final paper for 3rd year as pharmacy student… not including the oral exam that i am going to have on thurs…sigh..when is it going to end??? i really really need my break…

so..how’s the 4 papers? everyone have been asking…seriously i am not sure….it started off okay..than it went down a bit..than…..it go slightly unsatisfied a bit more..and it shoot up on the last day..yeah…a pretty drastic graph..i know…not sure why..i have this uneasy feeling with me since the 2nd paper till now…gynnete have been telling me to stop thinking bt it..but everynight before i sleep..i will be thinking of it….sometimes i hope god knows i just want to go 4th year….no expectation of really really good results…hope he will grant me this wish…my early b’day wish..i know is still too early to wish though

yesterday was my dad’s b’day….i remember it….though i am busy with the exams and work..but…….after the last paper..and with all the working and stuff..i forget..lucky for me..my beloved brother texted me..and remind me..hehe…well….i told him.. i remember..but he insisted that i have forgotten….yeah..and in the end…i have called my dad almost 9pm at night..and i know is too late to wish him by than..i am suppose to be the first 1 to wish him…such a bad daughter..and my dad’s first sentence is “i thought u have forgotten” it hit me hard..really hard..it sounded like my dad is waiting for my call …and i feel really guilty for letting him waiting for it for the whole day..so sorry for that…

yeah..suppose to be studying for the oral now..so need to stop..but my fingers are itching..have syptoms…wanted to type something..haha..so now..i have got my “relief”…

and once again..congrats to all my friends who finally graduated from this evil pharmacy course….and having heaps of evil exams…stress moments…with this course..not sure how much of sacrifices…tears….and…sweats ( i think..hehe) they have poured in…so..i am really happy for them….and they are starting their celebration now..wish i could have join them…when is my celebration going to start????

Daylight saving is here again..i hate this time of the year…everytime during this period..my sleeping cycle..will go all mess up…seems like everyday..there’s not enough time for me…apparently..daylight saving is to “brain wash” people that the day is still long after working hours..so they have more time to do their “day stuff” (according to david) but to me….those people who are only active when the sun goes down..daylight saving is like a total night mare…

firstly….really really not enough sleep…not sure is it me or what..i felt that..the night is too short..by the time..i finish doing all my stuff..studying..this and that….puff!!! is 2am…and i need to wake up at 7am the next day…so in average..i just slept about 4-5 hours…sigh…..not that i am super hardworking..  ;p according to david…this thing will be abolished soon..yeah..i really hope so..coz i am not sure what is all this about? seems like no point…and is weird too..by 6am…the sky will be all bright….and the funny thing is on the first day of daylight saving…sunday morning..i reached over to my phone ans looked at the time..8.30am..so i was telling myself…well..is time to wake up..but when i was brushing my teeth and looking at myself..i just remember that is actually 9.30am..shit!! and here am i so proud of myself that i have made an effort to wake up earlier..sigh..(even though 8.30 is damn late )

exam is coming soon….this is the last week of uni day for this sem…things are really moving fast……my friends are graduating..and i will be in 4th year ( cross my finger …i will be there)

therefore..need to start kicking my ass..and get to work..

Not sure when was the last time i have updated the blog….but with this new look…here am i..back..talking bt my new life…or should i say a new pathway for me…

have just started working..in fact it has been 1 month..come to think of it..time sure flies…with all the working…studying…tests…project…my hands…brain…time..are pretty much full..

i should have been studying right now..due to the fact that monday will be my worst nightmare..the pharmacotherapy mid term is finally here..with so many things to “swallow” into my brain..with so little time..plus…tomorrow is working day..i should be on my notes now…

but lately…not sure if it is the tiredness …or something else…i am feeling really space out..and bored and tired with all the things around me….there’s one night..i start to tell myself…i won’t be a good pharmacist at all in the future….come to think of it..will i be a pharmacist? i am not too sure about it..working..has not increase my confidence at all in believing the fact that i can contribute to the community pharmacy..in fact it scares the hell out of me….i know everything comes with responsibility which we can’t run away from it..but this is really a different scenerio…the fact that it is not like an exam..where u can just simply write an answer which u think might be the closest thing to the right answer, hoping that the lecturer will at least give u half out of full marks…in practical….is just between right or wrong..black and white..there’s no guessing..no grey section…

sometimes..i think that i am really a terrible friend at times..always telling my friends that i won’t let them down..in the end..i am the one..who let people down the most…i am not really a person to count on at times…i can just cancel on appointments..promises…at very last minutes..till now…they are still forgiving me..but when will these last? i am not sure..but seriously…i do not wish to betray the trust that have been given on me..believe me..i am trying my very best…

gosh..what have i done lately? besides letting people down..and letting myself done..i have done nothing at all..sigh…once again i have lost myself in the midst of all the troubles..

A lot of things have been happening lately…. First thing first..i have just came back from my margaret river trip…it was really a blast..considering the fact that I am spending some time to have fun in such a beautiful place with my classmates..without talking anything about studies………….. It was really an eye opening experience…….places that all the while i thought i can just view it through pictures and postcard were actually in front of my eyes…and..i really love the place that we have stayed for 2 night over there…it was a great house…and how i miss the couch and the TV……really wish to carry the couch all the way back in my room..even though there’s no space for it..hehe…

and now..here am i back here..snap back to reality…need to start studying for next wednesday’s exam…..have been telling myself to work hard lately..not been working hard enough….still slaking around…

lots of things in my mind lately…between studies…just few days ago..i just knew that I got the pharmacy job that i have went for interview for last few weeks…I am not sure is a good news or not..when i first knew it..all i can think of it…will i able to cope with it? how am i going to break the news to my classmates? this and that….yeah..i have been thinking and planning how to break the news..since there’s few of us who went for the same interview…coz..to me..i felt that among all of us…the job shouldn’t have been mind..coz in terms of experience and academic wise…i am not really that good…..plus..i am really worry sick that the pharmacist have a high expectation on me which in the end..i won’t be able to give the what she has expected…

Maybe i am thinking too much? trying to read people’s mind too much? I am not sure…maybe I am the complex one here…

All I can do right now is just to try to allocate my time well….try my very best…..and do what i think is right….

It’s 3.15pm…the clock is ticking quicker and quicker each day..i have so many things to do..but here am i staring at the window…not sure is it because of PMS or what..recently..i can’t seem to focus and always feels annoyed over small little stuff and get frustrated easily..sigh…i really miss home..till the point i even call back..just to listen to my mum’s voice..seems like just yesterday..i have boarded the plane back to KL..for holidays..and here am I again….in perth..back here..stuck in my room…with the end of first week…lecture notes to catch up on and project to finish….yeah….just the first week..but seems like i have tonnes of things to do..

I have never miss home so much before..thinking of that…missing all the food…the time which all i did is kick back and relax…going out..shopping…spending time with my family and friends back in malaysia…….and YES..i am counting the days till my next holiday..i think i really need to get bac my study mood and stay focus…for NOW..

nothing much has changed here in perth..in terms of environment…..is still winter here..and i am really looking forward to spring…i am beggining to fill really dull with the weather..as for people…nothing has changed as well….the fact of my "couldn’t - care - less" attitude,does not help either… i have promise myself to loosen up a bit and start handling stuff in a smarter way…seems like at this matter of fact…i can’t seem to do so…last few days..a wise person told me to have a spacious mind and have a heart and mind as vast as space so that i can receive good teachings…when i heard of these..it really hits me hard..coz..since i am in perth..this is the only thing that i can’t seem to find a way to do so……maybe my mind and heart….does only have limited space…or..i have not expand it since long time ago..and now..it got "stuck" and can’t expand anymore….and the list of stupid reasons go on and on..hopefully…with an advice from someone wise..i will be able to grasp it..and do better…

recently…i found out that i gave such a bad impression towards some of my friends…makes me wonder..this is the first time…i felt that i am such a bad friend to be with…

ya..i do know that sometimes..we can’t stop what people think about us…so i try to tell myself..everyone is different i can’t do anything about it..but..seems like the more i ignore..the worst it become…

i do admit that sometimes i do take things for granted until when the time comes..i feel regret….but i am trying my best to make up to it..

recently..i have been asked to think why am i always to be the one to be targetted that i don’t seem to think alike like the others..i dun seem to care about the people around me..i don’t seem to feel grateful…but the truth is…i am not sure why…

it seems like the older i become..the more i wish i had a simple life..the more things are blended to be something complex…

maybe i did something wrong…people thinks i am wrong..but the truth is deep down..i feel that what i did is not a mistake at all…so..i should be saying..who cares rite? but i do care…i am trying to be a better person each day..a better daughter ach day…a better friend each day…but i need time..need tolerance…need no "judgement first, think second attitude" before everyone around me starts to understands me…