Waiting For Azure - sky..

just came back from meeting my supervisor for the upcoming pharmaceutical project..and i know i am suppose to start studying…for the upcoming test….the 4th test continously for these previous few weeks…

but here am i typing away….feeling lots to say..at the same time..not sure how to put it into words…i am sick of typing the word..stress..busy….unhappy..burden….well..i might just mention the word "heavy"…

these past few weeks..i have been feeling heavy in the heart and shoulder and of course my brain..not sure why…..is like something invicible is falling hard on my heart and shoulder and i can’t move it away….have been busy stuffing my brain with dozens of antimicrobial ..antifungi ..antiviral names…and the word bacterial resistance..have been "swimming" around my head…until now..even though the chemo test have just ended yesterday..and now..i have to make a way..in my brain..for cardiovascular drugs..kinetics..lots n lots of it..and GIT drugs….will i be able to remember all? worst still can i really forget about all the chemo facts in my brain? coz..i am not sure if i will be so unlucky that i have to use it again for my supp..(if i need to take it) recently..i have realised that my "sickness" has been coming back haunting me again…the "doubtful - sickness"…..i realised that watever i am doing..i will double..triple check everything..such as something pure n simple..: i knew i have put my keys into the bag..but before walking out from the room everything..i will at least check 4 times…to make sure it is there…even after i have walked out from the room..i will open my bag and recheck..yeah..this is what i have become..all these leads to…even though i knew the answer to the question in my exams n studies…after the exam..if someone asked me..how was it? i will say ok..at the same time..i am preparing for the worst…

have been chatting with my brother yesterday noon..i truly admire his ambitious dream and confidence and making choice on his life..it does remind me of myself back when i was in school days…i used to be like him..i used to know where am i heading..what am i doing…and knew what i did will be alright and will be fine…but..not now..

my "watever sickness" is here haunting me too..as in i start to ignore lots of stuff regarding my life and people around me…as it goes on..i start to take in evrything and just keep quiet and admit everything that people had said about me without making it clear n defending myself….coz…i knew..in the end…the results will be the same…..in their mind….i am like that…so what’s the point of explaining right?due to all these..i realised..i am losing my friends..and i knew that they are evaluating me again…to determine..am i worth it as a friend? i start to hate myself for it..but i can’t change anything…..

with an "empty" me…what more can i do?it’s been a long time since i have been smiling from my heart..and i knew i have forgotten how to do that..i have really forgotten about it..i miss my own laughter…my own smile..my cheerfulness….my happy face..but…i have forgotten all about it..leaving just an "empty" me..with lots of doubtfulness..full of questions..and regrets …

life is just like a "masked ball"…what do i say so?

well here’s my theory….everyone is wearing a mask…in the same space…interacting with each other..if u met someone…and with masks…u communicate with that person..if it goes well….both of u will ahve a great conversation…great time…and even take off each other mask…so that u guys can get to know each other better n might be friends or even best friends after all..

and if u have started a conversation with a person..again..of course with a mask…and u guys just doesn’t seem to click..no matter what…u guys will never ever take off each other mask..and that’s the end..u guys might continue talking to each other throughout the ball..but..the "mask" or should i say..misunderstanding..misconception…barrier..will forever be there between both of u…u must be asking…what’s the big deal? right? the ball will end..and when it ends..all u need to do is just go back..and forget about that person..plus….the chances of meeting that person again is almost zero percent…and even though u do meet that person again…u might not even know is that person….

but what if…the masked ball that i am attending now…never seems to end…..never truly ends..no matter how hard i try to end it….i have taken down half of my mask to see clearly….coz..i am afraid that with "the mask" i will not be seeing things to "well" or clear enough for me to make judgement..but sometimes..things that see too clear ….is just not a good thing..i have made a bad decision by taking my mask off…really really bad decision…

now…alli wish is just to put back "the mask" and get on with the "party" and be done with it..

Its’ been a month i am unable to connect myself to the cyber world..thanks to my reckless way of handling stuff..hehe..overly used the internet service for the previous month..sigh….but here am i again..BACK!!!

so…how’s my life now? well..just ended my 1 week holiday(which is long long time ago..hehe) and just been through my first test here in curtin..pharmacology..well how it goes? let;s not talk about that so far..i am beggining to adapt to the whether..as in..now..autumn..is getting cold..and you can still see me walking around the campus..without a jacket..unbelievable rite????last time in malaysia..even on on rainy days…i will wear one..hehe..now..surprise surprise…as for my cooking skill…i think it goes very well..hehe…as my "cooking motto" says.."as long as no one gets diarrhoea" oh ya..and i have found my favourite hiding place whenver i feel like getting away..which is such a relief to me…hehe ..here’s the view from my hideout place…pretty cool right?

between all the tests..assignments..classes until 5pm almost everyday..basically this is what perth is all about…and of course at times…will spent some time with susan..and the others..just last week…i have get to experience the karaoke session in perth..at a place call utopia..well…let me tell u…our redbox in malaysia is way better!!!!!!!!!HEHE..but is nice to gather together..coz..is rare for all of us to be there..too bad..some of them need to work…and i get to hear stanley’s incredible singing talent..not bad!! Besides …that…have been attending a few housewarming lately..hehe..yaya…and the most recent one is carolines’ ….with good atmosphere  and good food..i think that was the first time..i felt…"home"..hehe..

and at about the same time…we have celebrated hannah’s and gynette’s b’day too in harbour town….thanks to recommendation from edward..at the coffee club..we got a really special offer on all the drinks..and successfully celebrated their b’day…

Recently…i have realised that things..people and everything around u can changed without u  realizing it…just when u think that everythng is still the same…in fact everything had changed 100% totally….sometimes..i am beginning to feel that i am staring at the same person..yet at a stranger at times…not only towards my closest friend..even to my own family..hearing their voices..video cam with them..hearing them talking about the things happen at home back in malaysia..i felt that i am listening to other peoples’ life…out of sudden..i am beginning to feel that i have been banished to the end of the world..with a bunch of strangers..with no connection to anyone..yeah the feeling of emptiness..sigh…

but..i think right now what is best to stop thinking anything else except my studies..which is my first priority now..regardless what..and try to make myself happier..no more negative feelings and thinking..after all..life is too short to be unhappy..

it has been quite some time since my las update..well..due to the fact that the crazy so call matrix time table which is so pack…i dont really get a time to sit back n type away on my blog..yeah yeah..excuses…haha..with all those cooking task..washing tasks…going out for groceries..studying…this n that…i have been leading a really really busy life now..

firstly…what to say about me in perth now? well basically nothing..i am still adapting here in curtin with their system…the lecturers’ profesional way of teaching..the super tense compounding lab sessions..and some other labs…tutorial classes in between..which really really need to be ready..unlike in sedaya..tutorial is not really a tutorial.. ;)all these..makes me freak out at times..i am trying to do my best..and doing what i should be doing…

and surprise surprise………at here..i eat bread everyday..yeah everyday..i am starting to get sick of it..and i bring my own lunch box to uni..aikks…yeah lunch box..which to me..in malaysia..is a no - no..but here..i have too :)and..i instant noodles..is my best mate here..yeah..luckily there is maggi mee here..sigh….

i am still having some home sick feeling..yeah…this is bad..i know..but too bad i can;t help it..my mum is calling me almost everyday..hehe…well..she sounded worry..but i can’t make myself telling her not to worry..coz..i am worrying bt myself too at times…

out of sudden..i love malaysia so much..hehe..i miss my home..miss my parents..my bro..my family…my room..my bed..my TV…my books..my friends over there..and etc etc etc…when can i go home????????

Here am I in Perth..for almost a week….What’s my feeling u may ask…hot…sunny..dry….and lonely..all i can described about perth now..sounded dull rite? perth is a beautiful place especially curtin uni..but no doubt i miss home a lot…i felt like i am just in vacation and trying to hide the fact that i will be "stuck" in this place for 1 year before i can go back early next yearr for holidays…

i am living in..in campus..in vickery house..is a nice n cozy place..but…besides internet connection now..there’s is nothing more better to do..these few days..have been busy with the orientation..enrolment…bank stuff..and of course phone line and my internet connection..where seems like i am the only person who can’t use the vickery internet connection….since vickery connection need to be paid..i have solve my problem by using other alternative..by applying broadband..though is a  little expensive..but no choice..i might as well save at other aspect..

i am living with 6 of my coursemates(ya..they are so nice putting us together) and another 2 housemates from china and kenya respectively..so far…so good..our housemates relationship..is still going strong..hopefully it will be alrite…

have been cooking for dinner almost every nite..since now is free..we did the work together..we have decided to split up the cooking task once the classes have started…hopefully i won’t burnt anything when it is my turn..

as for my old friends..florence has been relaly helpful..thanks to her..i am not lost..hehe…and i will be seeing the others really soon..

so..all da best to me in perth

today..i have fulfill another one of my promises..hehe..(so don’t ever call me a ffk queen again ah..vincent teh)just came back from a primary school gathering..

at first…i was like thinking just to meet few of them.. and did not plan to informe them, i am going off..but ended up..vincent told the whole world..sigh..haha..ya..he means well..so can’t complain..but i am feeling a bit guilty about it..everyone..needs to allocate some time for me..what’s the big deal rite?hehe

anyways..we had a great time…trying to catch up some of the old memories..glad to meet up with marcus..still as nice as usual..hehe..melvin..still as shy as usual (sorry for teasing u)…robin..going to be a pilot soon..i always think that he had the "pilot look"..maybe one day..i will be on his plane..(waiting for u ah..robin)..and sui kar..(still fierce..hehe) cheryl…who is so quiet now..compare to last time..when we were 12 year old kids..she use to talk a lot..now ended up..i am more talkative  (i have always been talkative..hehe) and yip..(who had the greatest "outcome" that nite" :)solomon..who "ordered" me to sent a goodbye e-mail b4 he goes.hehe..i think i will..haha.. and of course..my beloved VIF ,and planner…and oh…my driver that nite..hehe..vincent..he had been letting me off by teasing him..thanks ah..haha

so..in the end…is a fun night…i am glad i got a chance to meet up with them before i head off..too bad keng mun and aaron not around..haha..

hopefully..we will meet again in the future..wishing u guys all da best..

phew…these past few weeks had been a real headache….firstly..i was busy enjoying my life (while still can..hehe) and having fun with edward..susan..edwin..sharlyn…san ru..stuart..kim yen..going around kl…genting..shopping..more shopping..and eat..eat n eat..have been spending time with them for almost 1 week..which means i have not been around the house for 1 week…before my parents start nagging…i quickly rushed back after our jogoya nite..hehe..well..it had been quite a blast..having my "real" vacation with them…doing all the crazy stuff..and snapping pictures whenever we go..

after the tiring 1 week…i was suffering with "too much fun hang over.." (a new disease) back to my own home…so..start to spent more time with my family..after all…my days in malaysia are numbered..which is less than 1 week away…but..still..i need to start packing..going for dental appointment…and a trip to get my hair cut..and "done" (coz..i think i won’t b cutting it for a year) hehe..but end up..i think the fringe look weird..sigh..and the red colour dye is not visible on my hair except under the light..is it means that i need to wear a lamp on my head whenever i go..so it looks red?hehe …sigh..what the heck!!!!

when it comes to packing..looking at it..i feel like vomitting…everyone had been asking me..how to pack less..since the langkawi incident (i am the only one with 1 backpack…for 3 days vacation)hehe..but in the end..i need to confess…i really really have no advice for them..coz..i am facing a major crisis of my own too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i have been packing..and repacking n packing n repacking..till now…i am still packing..shit rite????i really really wish that i had a butler now..hehe..than..i will just need to carry all the bags and go off..without thinking what to pack :)..the luggage bags have been limited to 30kg..to me..30kg is more than enough..but once i start packing..i have realised..is not enough..plus the largest bag seems so small (to me;)  so..everyday…i am thinking..what is the best way to pack? luckily enough…edward had been nice..and offered to carry my 2 medical n drug dictionary..and my super duper thick Pharmacology book…(thanks ed…i will treat u..once we meet)..hehe..but still i need to carry a lot…so..here am i…starting to take out some shirts…and leave behind..hehe..my mum is nagging me…"dun carry so much stuff lah..u are not doing fashion show there"..DUH!!!! is not about fashion show..i do need to have some shirts rite???? and i am still shopping for new ones STOP SHOPPING!!

so what to do? i decided to ask my mum to mail some of my books..which is not urgently require….and bring those which is urgently require ( to me all is urgent..hehe) though susan..and the others have offered to borrow me their books..and insisted that..those books are not important..but still…i just want to bring it..just in case (me..a worry wart..wants everything to be at my side..to feel secure

so…how many days left now? about 5 days..sigh…everyone is asking me..am i excited?..my granny had been asking me each time we meet…sigh…i told her NO!..out of sudden i am sad to leave..hopefully i won’t shed a tear when i am in the airport (fingers cross)

enough procrastinating…i need to do some " final packing" now..hehe…hopefully this time..i can stuff all my shoes inside

It’s been a long time..since i have updated myself here..not that i didn’t on9 or what..in fact almost everynite…i am in the cyberworld…checking my status for this n that….finally everything have settled..visa was here too yesterday…..

Recently…have been fulfilling my promises to all my friends…..well..due to the fact that i am the famous ffk queen….hehe..well..i cant help it..i need to make sure i work hard and pass the exam..so…got to put more effort..so now..i am trying my best to meet everyone before i go..:)

everyone had been asking me…Have u pack? have u buy all the stuff?are u ready? when are u flying? are u excited? are u happy??but the truth is…i dun have all the answers to all the questions above..coz deep down….i am really happy…that finally i am going…and have the chance to go….but…another huge part of me..is hesitating..and stopping myself from thinking about what’s going to happen in perth…some of u might think that what to be worrried about? what not to be excited about??

sometimes we just need to walk on..regardless what….coz..u might see another pathway or U-Turn or a round- a - bout..that changes ur life…so..hopefully…i will find  a way that i am hoping for..

have been catching up with my reading..dun worry..is not school text books..or notes..hehe…but…other non- academic -related books.. have tried reading a jodi picoult book..19 minutes..in it..i found a really interesting equation… -H = R/E; where H = happiness, R = reality and E = expectation..how true is the equation? well..to me..it is something unbelievable and quite true….right now..i am in the middle of reading lovely bones….susan said..is very touching due to fact that the writer is seeing death from a different perspective..hopefully it really makes me cry like the "kite runner"

soon..my friends from perth will be heading back one by one..and we are planning to get back together to "play hard" or as ed said adventure.. hehe…ya..it’s been more than a year since we have met…so..i am really looking forward towards it….but…have to make sure that i dun play too hard..coz…i am getting older..hehe..not that young gurl who can stay up late anymore..:0

so..till the next update( which nt sure when) hehe…bye!

Tagged… by emily…after browsing her blog

1. What is your dream during your childhood?

To be able to lead a life without worries (ya..IMPOSSIBLE!!!,humans are born to worry about stuff…hehe)

2. You prefer rainy day or sunny day? and why?

Depends..if i need to go out..sunny..if no need…rainy day will be a good timing to just sit back..relax…and read a book

3. What colour do you like most?

For now…purple….sometimes green

4. What is the last thing you would tell a person you love?

That i don’t regret ever loving him/her/who-ever…:)

5. Which place in the earth do you want to go the most?

Rome…..

6. What would you do when you are in deep sadness?

Putting on my earphone with the saddest song ever…and cry till there are no more tears…

7. What are you afraid of losing in your life?

To be able to love and trust someone….and my confidence

8. If you ever meet someone that you love, what would you do to her/him?

I will look into his eyes..and tell him how i feel…

9. List out 3 good points of the one who tagged you.

Emily? well..she is confident…smart…know what she wants…

10.What is the thing that you regret most?

A lot of things…but now..i feel that…things happen for a reason..so i guess..i will choose to learn from it rather than regretting it..

11. Which type of person you hate most?

someone who betray my trust and my love towards them…(regardless who)

12. What is your ambition?

is to be a happy person…at the same time…are able to support my family and myself…..(ya..u got to be rational too at times..hehe)so…still working for it..

13. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad.

Hurting the people around them…physically & emotionally…

14. If a genie appeared in front of you, what would you ask for?

I am not that greedy….each month a wish…hehehehehehe..or better still..each week a wish

15. Have you ever watched a movie alone in cinema? If yes, how did you feel?

Yes….is not really a good feeling…

16. What is the most important thing in your life?

To be able to see the people around me happy and free of worries…

17. When do you wish to settle down?

When i am able to support my parents…and myself….and when i found true love

18. Outer attractiveness or inner attractiveness, which one do you prefer?

If i say inner…u will be thinking…i got to be kidding…if i say outer…u will say i am shallow..hehe…so…50 - 50 for both..than will be perfect..hehe

19. If you ever want to let go something in your life, what would it be?

my negative minded attitude..

20. Love and Money, which one do you prefer?

Both….haha….i am a human after all..

Today..is the third day of 2008…what’s my new year resolution? erm…still thinking…haha..but basically…i just hope that i can stay alive in perth and pass all the exams in third year …and mst importantly..to stay happy always….hehe…ya..me..being ambitious again..though the resolution sounded easy..but the truth is…it is not..

this new year eve..or should i say..on 2007’s new year eve…is  a special one…for the first time..i didn’t sit at home..and watch the people..pushing and shoving through TV..to count down..this time.. i went to experience it myself…well? how was it? to me…one experience is far more than enough….after all i am not that type of gurl who like to be squeeze..together with a bunch of people and keep on looking around to see if anyone is with their "artificial snow can" trying to spray at us…hehe….it was fun…with stuart and san ru…and me of course shouting at each other "becareful! look is behind you!stay close!! come..let’s go there!!"…hehe…sounded like we are in war or something…

my first countdown…was in rain..hehe..luckily..it was just drizzling…sigh..but luckily….we got to see the beautiful fireworks…just above us..that was my first time..looking at the fireworks..so up close…;) therefore..it was not that bad after all..

School have started…so…..i am at home..quite bored..doing nothing..since my bro is not around anymore for me to disturb..hehe..ya..everyone is back to their usual busy life..no more holidays and shopping and playing…..at this time of the year..i wish that i am back at uni….studying…(ya…i know..right now..everyone will bang my head on the wall…the gurl who doesn’t appreciate her holidays..hehe) so..when is my bro going to be home?..